LOST
I have always thought of life as a journey, and I should just enjoy the ride.
In everything that I do, in every mistake that I make, I only have one thing I keep in mind. No regrets.
I see no point in it. I can't turn back time, can I? If I stay in the past, I cannot move on. The only thing I can do is to learn from my mistakes; try not to commit the same ones again. In short, try not to be stupid.
I am used to the state of confusion. That is maybe why I have always been foolish in making decisions in my life. 'Coz I'm always confused.
I'm also used to anger. I've been angry for a long time. As a child, I've hated you. You have hurt me, our family. I thought I could never forgive you. In time, I discovered I didn't want to. I couldn't let go of the hurt I felt. I became consumed by it. I became afraid of it.
That is why I wasn't able to let anyone in my life. I was confused, angry, hurt, and afraid.
Until I got tired of the life I was living.
I tried to forgive you. And I was able to. I tried to understand you. And I was beginning to. I tried to give you love but I wasn't able to. Because it was too late you didn't wait for me to show you how much you mean to me, how much I care. You left me, you left us. And you will never come back.
A week after you died, I became confused again. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I am feeling.
It is not just a simple grief of losing you. It is deeper than hurt, more piercing than pain. It is something alien to all the things I have felt my whole life.
I am feeling REGRET.
Regret for the things I didn't do; for the things I didn't say; and for the things I didn't try to understand. I regret the time we didn't share, and the things we didn't try to talk about.
I feel that there are no lessons to learn here, for I no longer have the chance to make things right.
I keep thinking to myself, I should have done more, I should have tried better. I should have done my best. But I didn't. And that is what that hurts the most. I didn't.
I am sorry Tatay, I didn't.
And you're no longer here ... I can no longer say thank you for the sacrifices that you made for us. I can no longer say I'm sorry for not understanding that you tried to show us your love the best way you can. I can no longer tell you that I admire you. I can no longer beg for your forgiveness for letting time pass by.
I can no longer show you how much I love you.
You're no longer here.
